Kairos | Getting There

It's been a while...

Almost a whole year.

My last post I told you all that I was depressed. That I was.

Since my last blog post, I had failed in my relationship with my ex. We split just a week before our 3 year anniversary in November of last year. I felt good about the split at first, but then came the uncertainty that we all feel with any failed relationship or task. Things got better, things got worse. Everyone said time would make it better. I decided that I should focus on myself before I can seek out another relationship. That also... didn't happen.

An old friend of 10 years, whom I had had an enormous crush on for most of those years, had finally taken an interest in me. He was sweet, kind and always thinking of me. We dated for 6 months and then I ended things.  Amidst all of the great things, there were some things that caused me to question things. At the beginning of this blog I told myself I would get rid of all of the negativity in my life and strive for a happier life.

So here I am a year later, and I think I can finally say I'm moving towards happiness.

"Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like & celebrating it for everything that it is."

I still have the same goals as I started out with on this blog. I just want to be better about tracking it, and keeping this updated even if it's with a short blog post.

Just 2 days ago I started a diet. I know everyone tells me "Why the hell are you on a diet!?" or "You don't need to lose any weight!!". It's not really about them, it's about me. I know I don't need to lose much, but I still would LIKE to lose some weight. To do so, I have to change the way I've been doing things. I have a meal plan in place that's meant to reset my metabolism and get me where I want to go. It hasn't been easy. When I'm not busy, and I sit down in front of the TV old habits kick in and I just want ice-cream or chips...

In other news, I now live with my best friend, and it's the best decision I've ever made. Living with someone who isn't a significant other for the first time, and someone who I get along with so well it makes living together incredibly easy, just makes everything in life so much better. This past summer was probably one of the best summers I ever had. She's my best friend and my sister and I know I can depend on her for anything.

I could probably ramble on forever, but I wanted to catch up. This blog was something for me to turn to, to document, and to put my feelings down so I can go back and see how I've grown, and to know that what I'm doing isn't all for nothing. It's also to share this with all of you, because I know I'm not alone in the struggle to find happiness.

~xo, Mookie

Niedosyt | Lost

It's been more than a month since my last post. 

I don't really have any other reason besides that I feel off the wagon, not just in my blog post, but in everything. Mentally, physically, professionally and in my personal relationships. 

I was explaining how I feel to my friend today, and today is the first time I can say it and actually believe it's real, I'm depressed. I don't want to leave my bed in the morning. I'm physically and mentally drained. I feel unfulfilled and I've unfortunately hit some seriously relationship issues. I didn't mean for this blog to turn into a sob story. But, this is supposed to be my story. So I guess we'll just roll with the punches. 

A few good things have happened since my last post. I got a new car! Finally something reliable, and something with air conditioning. But that's unfortunately caused me some financial stress and just more stress in the long run.

I released my first game as well! Which is huge for me and makes me feel better when I stop to think about it. The name of the game is Alien Evac and you can find it on Google Play. The over all response has been very good so far and I'm very happy to see where it goes. 

These times have had there ups and downs.

And I apologize for neglecting the blog that is supposed to be helping me along this path. 

Hope all is well.

xo -Mookie

Progress Week 3, A Typical Day

Lately I haven't been finding inspiration for what I should write and share with you all.
It's a daily struggle. Fighting the urges to grab the chips and dip, and instead grab a handful of almonds or carrots. But I feel as though it's working, slowly but surely.

I usually start off the day with a glass of water first thing. I had read in multiple places that this kick starts your body and organs. If there's one thing I don't do enough of, it's drink water. It's probably the worst thing you could do for your body, but it's just something I'm not good about period. But that's something I'm working on as well.

My breakfast usually consist of eggs, toast, yogurt, granola and some milk. I typically change it every day just to have some form of variety. Though I'm not sure if I'm doing anything wrong here. I usually eat breakfast by 6:45 - 7:00am and then by 9:00 - 10:00am I'm already starving. Maybe I just have to jump onto the rule of 5 smaller meals throughout the day. It would probably be better for my metabolism anyway. Lunch is usually what I have left over from dinner. Dinner is usually chicken, brown rice and a veggie. Once and a while some spaghetti, maybe some tacos. Not bad right?

But weekends usually kill me...

 

 

Now, I'm not an alcoholic. I can say no to a drink and I can surely go weeks, months without a drink if I had to. But who WANTS to? Drinking is just a way of letting out stress and cutting loose for me. It's a relaxing thing to do with friends. I don't always have to get drunk when I drink. But who wouldn't want to get tipsy a little? With that comes the hunger factor and when  your drunk you will eat ANYTHING. Here in lies the problem. Already highly loaded empty carb beer, along with pizza at 2am in the morning. Just a destructive combination that happens more than I would like to admit.

 

I've been better about drinking. I used to come home from work and crack open a few beers. I haven't done that in about a month and a half. I've been coming home and walking my stress off on the treadmill. This has been actually making such a difference and I already feel so much better. But I have a long way to go.

 

I'm apparently over 140lbs which is what I was told last time I went to the doctor and I just wanted to cry. I know this isn't a huge issue. Everyone always tells me I "don't have to worry about anything" and that I'm "beautiful, shut up". But they don't feel how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. I don't feel like this girl that I see in the mirror. I'm doing this for myself and no one else. I hope that everyone who is looking to change themselves is doing it for them. Not to impress the people around them, or because someone told them so. If you are comfortable in your own skin, I applaud you. There is nothing more beautiful than that.

 

Leave me a comment below with how you feel and the things that you have done. I'd love to hear from anyone and everyone how they are going.

 

xx Mookie

 



Komorebi | Finding Inspiration for Fitness

 

Since I've started this blog I've been in and out of inspiration. It's been tough thinking about what my next moves our when I have literally a thousand things running through my mind constantly. I'm impatient and antsy for my hopes and dreams and then I get disappointed when it doesn't happen right away. I guess that's a mental struggle that's extremely hard for me to break.

 

Other than that I've been actually having more better days than bad. I finally got into a little habit with my apartment as far as cleaning. I know I've said this before. It seems silly that things like cleaning could have such an impact on your mood, but it really does! I feel relieved when I can come home to a clean apartment with very minimal things to do, when the alternative would be lazy days til the dishes pile up.

 

But the "lazy" part is still hovering around me as far as fitness. I sort of feel stuck and at a loss as of where to start. I general eat pretty healthy. I eat a lot of chicken and brown rice or quinoa for dinner. Eggs in the morning usually. But there are still those days where I feel lazy and I don't want to make something for myself so I'm going through the drive thru somewhere, only to leave me feeling like crap that night and into the next morning.

 

 

 

Exercise is something I struggle with, like most people. I find it incredibly boring. It's not the physical part I hate. I just get unbearably bored and then I think about what I could do next and typically go and do it. It's a vicious cycle. I'm out of shape so it's hard when I think/feel I can push myself to the limit. I feel defeated and like I failed when I don't, when I know I shouldn't be pushing myself so soon.

 

Luckily, my pinterest addiction is still in high gear. I always pin exercises like I'm actually going to do them. But I've finally found something that's so simple to start out with that I think I can finally head in the right direction!

 

Multitasking the everyday with fitness! This great blog post by Jamie really stood out to me. They are such simple concepts. Anyone can do them and it seems like a great way to just kick start your way back into a routine. Thank you Jamie!



 

Nanakorobi Yaoki | Week One

It's been a week since I started my blog. Since then I've done a few things that had made me feel really good about myself. I started to go through clothes that didn't fit, or that I knew I wouldn't like. It was refreshing getting rid of old clothes and items that I knew I wouldn't wear anymore. As silly as it sounds it's sort of moving on. Taking the old out and bringing in the new. Within the last week  I also went rock climbing with a good friend who I haven't seen in a while. As you know from my last post, I am not in shape. But from my memories I thought "Oh rock climbing won't be so bad."

Yeah no.

It was ROUGH. We were taken to our first wall, which happened to be a medium wall in terms of how hard the climb would be. I couldn't even get 4 feet up the wall. I was already defeated and it was only the first 5 minutes of being there. Luckily my friend Adam is such a sport and really helped me and pushed me along. We went to lower level walls. As much as my muscles were screaming I still pushed myself, but I didn't reach the very top. Oh, did I tell you I'm terrified of heights. Yeah... By the time I got about 5 feet away from the top, my palms would start sweating and I would slip and get scared, so a lot of the time I gave up and would come back down. I was feeling pretty defeated and sore already.  After a few climbs where I didn't make the top, I told Adam "I can't leave here until I touch the ceiling at least once." My next climb I finally made it to the top. It wasn't a super hard wall, but for me it meant a lot. After that I felt more and more confident with each climb, but my muscles were screaming. After an hour we decided that it was time to go. We were both wiped out. I was happy with what I did that day. I reached the ceiling twice, which is more than what I thought I'd be able to do.

 

There have been quite a few days where I've felt down and out. Worried about my imagine, about where I'm going in life. Of course all the natural things. But I'll fall seven, eight, nine, a hundred times before I give up. I'm committed now and I'm not looking back.

Resfeber | Chapter 1 | Journey to a New Me

Ever look at yourself in the mirror and find a complete stranger? Like you don't look like the person you feel like? Hi. I'm that girl.

At the age of 23 I found myself lost. Confused by my life. Not really sure which direction I'm going in. Society tells me I'm supposed to have it all figured out, be a size 0, and be a polite young lady. I am none of those things. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm not overweight, but I'm certainly not a size 0.  And for the last:

"I'm a lady with the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor."

The last item mentioned it probably the one thing that bothers me the least. But trust me, there are plenty more that pop up in it's place.

1. I'm not fit. I take care of myself, but I don't make it a huge part of my life. I fear becoming overweight more than anything, and I still don't make the move to start changing my habits. Mostly because, you got it, I'm way too tired. I don't have energy to do the things that I want to do. Even my passions, art, design, making videos for my youtube channel, are just too much for the fatigue I feel. 
2. Money scares me. I'm so scared of spending money I'm still some how sneaking into my old high school clothes. (Then when they don't fit, I throw a fit. Vicious circle)
3. I'm a disorganized mess. Things are kind of tossed everywhere. I make attempts to fix this, but it just goes back to the normal routine within a week's time.
4. I'm social/anti-social. I love being in groups of people one minute and then the next I'm scampering off to try to pry myself away from the madness. I want to start conversations but I don't know how.  When I'm in conversations I eventually stumble with my words way too much.
5. I don't sleep well. I attribute it mostly to all these thoughts I have running through my head all day. I feel like I'm most energized at night and want to do everything at 12, 1, 2, 3, in the morning. But when it comes to being up at 6, 7, or 8am forget it.
6. STRESS. The thing that will kill me is stress. I think about things way to often. I think about things that I know will never happen but I worry about them anyway. I stress out so much that I often make myself literally sick. This is going to be a huge struggle for me.
7. I swear a bunch. But that doesn't really bother me too often. To me they are just words. I've never felt embarrassed by it. I know when it's appropriate and when it isn't. Sometimes I find myself in an awkward situation or I's accidentally let it slip, but this isn't concerning for me. But should it be?

So what's the point you might be asking? "You just sound like every other girl on the planet." That's probably true. But that's exactly my point. I'm sick of feeling those things every day. So I decided to start this blog in hopes to push myself to become the person I want to be. Hopefully it inspires whoever decides to read this as well. There's so many who don't know where to start. Hopefully this can inspire you all to make strides towards your own goals. No matter what they are.

My main goals simply:

1. Clear out all the negative around me. Pick up the loose ends whether it be relationships, or literally bad vibes from a messy room and reminders of the past.
2. Get into shape. and KEEP IT.
3. Eat better.
4. Take better care of myself.
5. Start doing more of the things I love again.
6. TRAVEL ❤ 

I will be sharing my thoughts and what I'm doing to try to make these changes. I'm not sure what kind of form these will take. They might be pictures of recipes or vlogs of workouts that I'm doing. I want to see where this blog can take me. Hopefully receiving some feedback from you all will inspire me to keep on working towards my goals. I am anxious to start. I'm nervous to start. I feel like the word Resfeber is the only word that can accurately describe how I feel. I worry that like many times before I'll start something and then not finish it. But this time, I can't. I need to do this. It's not going to be easy, but it'll be so worth it. 

I think my first step would be the first goal listed. It's time to clear out the negative.

xx, Mookie